Dark Times Lead to Light

I know I have been posting quite a bit lately, but I have had a lot on my mind. Plus that's what happens when I go without writing for almost two months. Being creative is my form of therapy whether it is writing, sewing, scrapbooking, designing websites or just finger painting with the kids. It allows me to express how I feel without judgement.

Personally, I dont think about my audience when I write. It's more of a journal for me and a way to reflect on hard times and count my blessings, not my problems. My friend commented about how uplifting and motivating my blog is to her and I was so happy to hear that since a lot of you don't view my "first draft" versions of my posts...some get pretty dark.

When I am down I write. I never publish it because it is very personal to me and the second draft usually comes out to be a reflection of all things great that are happening in my life; my constant reminder of how blessed I truly am. Perhaps I should start writing about the trials and struggles...perhaps someone besides me could benefit. Honestly, I dont write about it because I choose to not dwell on that dark place. I was in an extremely dark place once - a place out of my control and I found help.

After Jack's first birthday I was diagnosed with post-partum depression, talked to a therapist and went on medication.  I noticed signs earlier in September of 2009 but just thought it was hormones and that it coincided with motherhood. After all, I was new at this gig and tried to tough it out. I was anxious, irritable and emotional all the time. I felt like PMS was taking over 24/7 and that I just wasnt enjoying all the mini milestones as I should have been. Granted I had a lot of fun with Jack in his first year but always felt a bit off and as if I needed to accomplish more and pull my weight since I was staying at home with him. I remember our first family photo shoot and it pains me to look at the picture. I look like I didnt take care of myself, lost my glow and I see a sadness in my eyes. I was at my heaviest and I am sure that weighed on me as well. After seeing myself at my lowest, I vowed to never return to that place ever again.



Mommy and Bailey Lou



For the second time around, Brian and I decided to not breastfeed Bailey and to go directly on my medication once she was born to rid any potential anxiety or depression. I am happy to say that it was the best decision we made together as a couple, as parents and helped the transition from one child to two go more smoothly. Bailey is approaching six months and I am working at weening myself off my medication; an uphill battle but I am confident everything will be fine.

I dont want to sit here and preach about post-partum depression. If you are having similar feelings, I recommend simply talking to someone - anyone - about your feelings and anxiety or read the book Down Came the Rain by Booke Shields. You are the only person who is going to change your unhappiness and it's up to you to figure out how to do so.

Here's a link to my very first (and only other) blog speaking of my depression: